Jackie Rixon's Fundraising Blog

Thank you all for coming and sharing this day to celebrate Jackie’s life.

I feel so privileged to have been part of Jackie’s life. She has been my student, my teacher, my lover and my friend. It is not often that people find all these qualities in one being, but we were fortunate enough to do so.

Her wish when we came together 5 years ago was to become empowered, coming into her strength as a female. Understanding her mind, emotions and breaking free from habitual patterns where the obstacles in order to live this dream. We embarked on an intense journey of self discovery, which as the Buddhists say, leads you through lands of countless demons. Her drive to continue the journey was always found in the light after each obstacle had been successfully conquered.

As we all experience, our mind and brain has two sides. One reflective creative part, and the part of our intellect which strives to control. These two can create turmoil and confusion at times. Through discipline and control we can make it temporally calm and at ease. Through our upbringing we establish this control. As she told me in her endless stories of her childhood Jackie had taken this into her being,  perfected it through body control and discipline  but realized it was leading to a limited range of motion. She lost the freedom she had always felt as a child. Coming home after school, getting rid of the uniforms and paperwork she indulged in her  trouble free world surrounding herself with animals and nature here where we are now at the duckpond.

It was her escape from the rules and she found peace at the bottom of her old family home. Playing in the trees, collecting duck eggs, swimming in the water, communicating with the birds and loving her chickens was her absolute heaven.  If anyone was ever to look for Jackie, they would find her here. She could play here in her dream world, being carefree with no controls, no wants or needs -  just being, perhaps also forgetting.

As we grow up we generally conform to the norm of what society demands.  So did Jackie. Although she often thought back on these playful times, she lost the ability to keep it alive. It became a memory. Thinking it had a place in time she convinced herself that it belonged to the past.  Maturity is all about growing up, becoming responsible and creating structures where one can stick to. Although she did learn and experience so many different valuable things she became a bit trapped by this part of her personality. Life became serious.

Her wish to become free was in fact just a matter of integrating these two worlds together.  The creative force and the constructing force. Identifying mainly with one side only had thrown her out of balance. I think we all experience these two sides in our personality. Perhaps we wish to ad some creativity or playfulness in our lives but fearful to become the fool we rather stay trapped in our controlled comfort.  Or we may be  comfortable in our creating force, ever fearful to ad some control and structure which again would be only one sided. It is extraordinary to have seen her fusing these two sides and creating perfect harmony though her own conscious effort. It is radical, but truthful, to say that her cancer was her gift and device to achieve this.

Jackie was a girl that followed her instinct as no other. I loved her for that. As an outsider this could seem irresponsible and impulsive or selfish but if something felt right she would go for it with full determination without thinking about the consequences. Only to find at a later stage how to deal with the practicality of her changes being made.

Like our last trip we made to the Augrabies falls. She was so excited to go. Think about it. She was so ill,  her weight was barely 40 kilos!  She could hardly swallow or walk but was still so excited to go on this trip. Reto cut her hair funky and short,  she had a facial treatment and a full body wax -  how incredible!

I remember looking at Marion’s face reading the fear when we were about to leave. Her expression said loud and clear: ” Are you sure this is possible? She surely should stay here safe at home with all the comforts?” Obviously that was the truth when thinking logically but as this whole journey had clearly shown to us, following your instinct was the only thing you could really rely on. Jackie’s way could not have been through normal conventional medical routes of hospitals, nurses and doctors. It was her personal connection with her instinct and the divine that was leading her on her unique path.

I lifted her into the car and off we went. We made it all the way to Poffadder until we came to the logical conclusion that  the West-coast was just way too harsh and her physique just way to weak to deal with this. So we decided to return. 1900 kilometers driven, three nights in B&B’s – complete madness, but also incredible rewarding. After each drive I would massage her, I would carry her up the stairs to restaurants. She indulged in taste experiences. Not able to swallow much, she would cherish each and every bite – chewing and tasting endlessly. She would spend long periods in the bath – her absolute saving grace during this past 6 months.

I would always sit next to her when she soaked in the water. We would generally speak about the  future or past and although both knew this would be the last stage of her journey and life, we both kept quiet about it. It was here that she started her ice melting, juice tasting, water whirling and spitting regime which she perfected in the last days at her family house. It became her technique to ease her dehydration. In the evening I would massage her feet until she fell asleep. It was heartbreaking to see someone suffer so much.

If I had to use only one beautiful quality that sums up Jackie, it must be honesty. Because you could read her lies a mile off, truth was therefore always spoken. Honesty is such a rare thing. The more she grew in her strength the more assertive she became. Not compromising on her wants and needs, no more compromising on the things she really wanted to do in life and how she wanted to live her life. Detaching, not caring what people were thinking of her, or the need to be liked, after a long struggle it all fell away. Instead contentment and an open, loving, heart became to shine.

I must say this journey of her transformation was such an extraordinary ride to be part of. I do not wish to see death as something horrible. The experience lies in eyes of the beholder they say and truly I feel that. It all depends how one wishes to see death or life.

I believe that life is one big marvelous journey full with discoveries and through experience we grow to understanding. It is this play with events that makes life wonderful. That precious time before death and death itself is the completion of your journey, your pinnacle where all can fall into place. A final time to look back and see your life and see the beauty, the pain, the foolishness, but from your clear detached reflective standpoint there is complete acceptance of whatever is and therefore freedom is felt.

Death is inevitable, the only certainty we ever have. She felt this existence had no more pull to keep her here. She would joke that even if she would continue to live she would have to go through this death process again at some later stage, which did not seem appealing to her. When looking back she felt  she had completed her mission. She had done what she had to do on this Earth, and felt fulfilled. Who was I or anyone else to feel she had to stay around a little bit longer? This would only be our own needs which does not serve anyone.

Jackie’s life and journey has been such an amazing eye opener for so many people. Her illness has shaken peoples lives and those willing, transformed them through it. We tried so many miracle cures -  from drips to vegetable fruit fasts, from apricot kernels to asparagus to wonder pills like msm. We learned, although they may not have helped her heal physically, they all did contribute in helping her psychologically. And therefore formed all a connection in her chain.

All these intense practices made us see clearly and taught us to see that we were being led through this process of why this disease was there and how to deal with it. All these control techniques will perhaps work for other people but in Jackie’s case it was all about acceptance. Accepting that perhaps that picture we like to see in the mirror is not a real one. Perhaps the yardstick by which we measure ourselves is just not realistic. Our expectations are beyond our capacity. By accepting ones flaws and not putting the bar that high things become suddenly possible and effortless. Jackie’s strength was in a way also her weakness. But by realizing this she gave up the fight and surrendered. In each and every moment when being cornered or trapped, lost, she surrendered and asked for clarity and always it came. This voice, this feeling that all is perfect as it is. Just trust and the universe will provide became her mantra.

There are just too many stories to tell about this roller coaster ride. This last half a year being in complete service to Jackie has been beautiful. Some people perform a fast to clean themselves of impurities, other go into retreat to clear their minds. I understand now the importance of selfless service.  Serving a great being like Jackie day in day out, night in night out has cleansed me thoroughly.

I thank you Jackie for having been able to provide me with this opportunity to serve you. As you knew best, personal experience is your best teacher. Jackie lived with this rule, had to taste literally everything herself to make up her own mind. Now I know what Bhakti is about. The Yogic path of service.

Just like a puzzle has to slowly grow in order to find completion, Jackie’s desire for harmony, contentment and empowerment came to completion in these last months. At times we would speculate about the possibilities if we would have discovered the disease sooner perhaps we would have had more time to heal the body. But these thoughts were illusions because without having the experience and extent of her illness she would not have had the chance to look deeply within. To discover the secrets of the universe.  It was all how it was supposed to be, each and every step along the way were pointers to the right direction. Each step each phase we had to take, just like Jax wished getting the full personal experience, no shortcuts. No matter what the outcome was, no expectations , just trust was the key. We felt we were being carried by the cosmos. Like a loving mother cares for her children. Everything has to be as it supposed to be. Everything has a perfect order and is part of a bigger plan.

We often felt that over the years momentum was quickly exhilarating. When one issue was resolved the next one was already waiting in line to deal with. A full snowball effect had been put in motion. This process of cleaning  continues until all aspects of you psyche have been understood and dealt with. You understand, to grasp the mechanisms of the mind and emotions, this is an enormous task. Fortunate for Jackie, her well did dry up the last few months. The snowball came to the bottom of the hill and started to melt in the sun. Peace was the outcome, acceptance was her sunshine.

In a funny way Jackie’s morphine dependency worked like this but then lead to a state of coma. Like any drugs, the body and mind build tolerance to them so in order to feel the same as you felt before your next dose has to be increased. Until you reach complete saturation and become comatose or an organ collapses. The well also dries here but it is the well of life we end. She felt this happening to her a few months ago when she made her brave decision to stop using the morphine. This is very rare to accomplish with a healthy body but in her state the medical world would highly object. But as always her mind and will were so determent. She listened to her conscience and acted on it. She went through her cold turkey for two long weeks but managed to come out on the other end, knowing now, through her own experience, what morphine and dependency was all about. Obviously it was not her time yet to sink in a coma state.

Unfortunately after 4 weeks of mental clarity her pain became unbearable so she made the decision to start again. Knowing very well that this time it would be her final one way ticket.

Words fall short to express my deepest gratitude to her whole family: Marian with your heart of gold, Jackie’s sister Nikki and her partner Michael for their beautiful, rare, caring natures, her sister Anita for her spunk and lightness and Tessa for her ability to love and forgive. I am deeply sorry to you all if I have ever caused any misunderstanding over the years.

Her friends Nicky, Lisa, Michelle and Jackie thank you so much for being such great beings and friends to Jackie. The 3 musketeers Marti, Lyne and of course Estelle. Without the incredible massages of Estelle, Nicky Slijpen, Lisa and her sister Nikki her pain and suffering would have been unmanageable. These sessions were her saving grace, thank you so much for having been there for her. And all the other dear friends that made her journey so full and marvelous.

Dr. Raul Goldberg thank you so much for never taken the responsibility away from Jackie so she could grow and trust in her own strength and Grant Joseph for helping out on the last leg of the journey.  Frans, Bo and Brian for the veggies, Mark and Mirka of course, and Monika – thank you. The list could go on and on. The whole community showed such deep care and support, so many people have been so generous.  Jackie felt such immense gratitude to you all.  I thank you all.

I know by Jackie’s decision to retreat  for the last 6 months many friends felt left out. Although not seeing or talking to her in person your love and thoughts were always there with us in our Cottage. Thoughts travel further then you can imagine. Thank you.

The universe provided with this disease a pathway that caused everyone to come together which meant so much to Jackie.  Harmony had always been so important to her. When she came into her strength she started to direct as a conductor her environment how and what was needed. She told me that is was a difficult job to be a director. I whispered she was doing a fabulous job since there were 7 people running around and all were so happy doing the tasks, that surely must make you a great master.

Her last 6 days at her Mom’s was a time for Jackie to bring everything together. Completely conscious to the very last moment she brought all the loose ends together and connected them. For every person involved it was a final time to see the magic in action.

I do not think that there could have been any other way for Jackie. Her journey was, as we both felt, completely how it was supposed to be. We tried countless times to manipulate the process when we felt on top, or out, of things but always got instantly reprimanded and told to back off and let the cosmos do its work.

Her freedom found expression in so many countless ways and forms. Food was on top. Her guilt free indulgence of Italian straggiatella ice-cream was truly inspirational. Her motto became: “cherish every bite as if it were your last”. Whole recipes were created in her mind, and I would happily manifest these visions. And as always they were brilliant creations. From simple egg and soldiers to wheat free pizzas and pastas, fruit juices and smoothies to coconut Thai curries.

Her wish was to indulge here together today, sharing and eating your favoured dish among friends on the ground in nature.  For her that was pure joy. Guilt free, enjoying each and every mouthful to its fullest. Thank you all for coming today to share her vision.

Thank you Jackie for being such a marvelous being. You are always in my heart.