Om Bhur Bhuva Swah. Tatsavitur Varenyam
Bhargo Devasya Dhimahi. Dhiyo Yo Nah
Prachodayat, Svaha

Translation

Gayatri Mantra (the mother of the vedas), the foremost mantra in hinduism and hindu beliefs, inspires wisdom. Its meaning is that “May the Almighty God illuminate our intellect to lead us along the righteous path”. The mantra is also a prayer to the “giver of light and life” – the sun (savitur).

Oh God! Thou art the Giver of Life,
Remover of pain and sorrow,
The Bestower of happiness,
Oh! Creator of the Universe,
May we receive thy supreme sin-destroying light,
May Thou guide our intellect in the right direction.

Mahamrityunjaya Mantra

Om Trayambakam Yajamahe Sugandhim
Pusti Vardhanam
Urvarukamiva Bandhanan Mrtyor Mukshiya
Martat, Svaha

Translation

OM. We worship and adore you, O three-eyed one, O Shiva. You are sweet gladness, the fragrance of life, who nourishes us, restores our health, and causes us to thrive. As, in due time, the stem of the cucumber weakens, and the gourd is freed from the vine, so free us from attachment and death, and do not withhold immortality.

I feel so privileged to have been part of Jackie’s life. She has been my student, my teacher, my lover and my friend. It is not often that people find all these qualities in one being, but we were fortunate enough to do so.

Her wish when we came together 5 years ago was to become empowered, coming into her strength as a female. Understanding her mind, emotions and breaking free from habitual patterns where the obstacles in order to live this dream. We embarked on an intense journey of self discovery, which as the Buddhists say, leads you through lands of countless demons. Her drive to continue the journey was always found in the light after each obstacle had been successfully conquered.

As we all experience, our mind and brain has two sides. One reflective creative part, and the part of our intellect which strives to control. These two can create turmoil and confusion at times. Through discipline and control we can make it temporally calm and at ease. Through our upbringing we establish this control. As she told me in her endless stories of her childhood Jackie had taken this into her being,  perfected it through body control and discipline  but realized it was leading to a limited range of motion. She lost the freedom she had always felt as a child. Coming home after school, getting rid of the uniforms and paperwork she indulged in her  trouble free world surrounding herself with animals and nature here where we are now at the duckpond.

It was her escape from the rules and she found peace at the bottom of her old family home. Playing in the trees, collecting duck eggs, swimming in the water, communicating with the birds and loving her chickens was her absolute heaven.  If anyone was ever to look for Jackie, they would find her here. She could play here in her dream world, being carefree with no controls, no wants or needs -  just being, perhaps also forgetting.

As we grow up we generally conform to the norm of what society demands.  So did Jackie. Although she often thought back on these playful times, she lost the ability to keep it alive. It became a memory. Thinking it had a place in time she convinced herself that it belonged to the past.  Maturity is all about growing up, becoming responsible and creating structures where one can stick to. Although she did learn and experience so many different valuable things she became a bit trapped by this part of her personality. Life became serious.

Her wish to become free was in fact just a matter of integrating these two worlds together.  The creative force and the constructing force. Identifying mainly with one side only had thrown her out of balance. I think we all experience these two sides in our personality. Perhaps we wish to ad some creativity or playfulness in our lives but fearful to become the fool we rather stay trapped in our controlled comfort.  Or we may be  comfortable in our creating force, ever fearful to ad some control and structure which again would be only one sided. It is extraordinary to have seen her fusing these two sides and creating perfect harmony though her own conscious effort. It is radical, but truthful, to say that her cancer was her gift and device to achieve this.

Jackie was a girl that followed her instinct as no other. I loved her for that. As an outsider this could seem irresponsible and impulsive or selfish but if something felt right she would go for it with full determination without thinking about the consequences. Only to find at a later stage how to deal with the practicality of her changes being made.

Like our last trip we made to the Augrabies falls. She was so excited to go. Think about it. She was so ill,  her weight was barely 40 kilos!  She could hardly swallow or walk but was still so excited to go on this trip. Reto cut her hair funky and short,  she had a facial treatment and a full body wax -  how incredible!

I remember looking at Marion’s face reading the fear when we were about to leave. Her expression said loud and clear: ” Are you sure this is possible? She surely should stay here safe at home with all the comforts?” Obviously that was the truth when thinking logically but as this whole journey had clearly shown to us, following your instinct was the only thing you could really rely on. Jackie’s way could not have been through normal conventional medical routes of hospitals, nurses and doctors. It was her personal connection with her instinct and the divine that was leading her on her unique path.

I lifted her into the car and off we went. We made it all the way to Poffadder until we came to the logical conclusion that  the West-coast was just way too harsh and her physique just way to weak to deal with this. So we decided to return. 1900 kilometers driven, three nights in B&B’s – complete madness, but also incredible rewarding. After each drive I would massage her, I would carry her up the stairs to restaurants. She indulged in taste experiences. Not able to swallow much, she would cherish each and every bite – chewing and tasting endlessly. She would spend long periods in the bath – her absolute saving grace during this past 6 months.

I would always sit next to her when she soaked in the water. We would generally speak about the  future or past and although both knew this would be the last stage of her journey and life, we both kept quiet about it. It was here that she started her ice melting, juice tasting, water whirling and spitting regime which she perfected in the last days at her family house. It became her technique to ease her dehydration. In the evening I would massage her feet until she fell asleep. It was heartbreaking to see someone suffer so much.

If I had to use only one beautiful quality that sums up Jackie, it must be honesty. Because you could read her lies a mile off, truth was therefore always spoken. Honesty is such a rare thing. The more she grew in her strength the more assertive she became. Not compromising on her wants and needs, no more compromising on the things she really wanted to do in life and how she wanted to live her life. Detaching, not caring what people were thinking of her, or the need to be liked, after a long struggle it all fell away. Instead contentment and an open, loving, heart became to shine.

I must say this journey of her transformation was such an extraordinary ride to be part of. I do not wish to see death as something horrible. The experience lies in eyes of the beholder they say and truly I feel that. It all depends how one wishes to see death or life.

I believe that life is one big marvelous journey full with discoveries and through experience we grow to understanding. It is this play with events that makes life wonderful. That precious time before death and death itself is the completion of your journey, your pinnacle where all can fall into place. A final time to look back and see your life and see the beauty, the pain, the foolishness, but from your clear detached reflective standpoint there is complete acceptance of whatever is and therefore freedom is felt.

Death is inevitable, the only certainty we ever have. She felt this existence had no more pull to keep her here. She would joke that even if she would continue to live she would have to go through this death process again at some later stage, which did not seem appealing to her. When looking back she felt  she had completed her mission. She had done what she had to do on this Earth, and felt fulfilled. Who was I or anyone else to feel she had to stay around a little bit longer? This would only be our own needs which does not serve anyone.

Jackie’s life and journey has been such an amazing eye opener for so many people. Her illness has shaken peoples lives and those willing, transformed them through it. We tried so many miracle cures -  from drips to vegetable fruit fasts, from apricot kernels to asparagus to wonder pills like msm. We learned, although they may not have helped her heal physically, they all did contribute in helping her psychologically. And therefore formed all a connection in her chain.

All these intense practices made us see clearly and taught us to see that we were being led through this process of why this disease was there and how to deal with it. All these control techniques will perhaps work for other people but in Jackie’s case it was all about acceptance. Accepting that perhaps that picture we like to see in the mirror is not a real one. Perhaps the yardstick by which we measure ourselves is just not realistic. Our expectations are beyond our capacity. By accepting ones flaws and not putting the bar that high things become suddenly possible and effortless. Jackie’s strength was in a way also her weakness. But by realizing this she gave up the fight and surrendered. In each and every moment when being cornered or trapped, lost, she surrendered and asked for clarity and always it came. This voice, this feeling that all is perfect as it is. Just trust and the universe will provide became her mantra.

There are just too many stories to tell about this roller coaster ride. This last half a year being in complete service to Jackie has been beautiful. Some people perform a fast to clean themselves of impurities, other go into retreat to clear their minds. I understand now the importance of selfless service.  Serving a great being like Jackie day in day out, night in night out has cleansed me thoroughly.

I thank you Jackie for having been able to provide me with this opportunity to serve you. As you knew best, personal experience is your best teacher. Jackie lived with this rule, had to taste literally everything herself to make up her own mind. Now I know what Bhakti is about. The Yogic path of service.

Just like a puzzle has to slowly grow in order to find completion, Jackie’s desire for harmony, contentment and empowerment came to completion in these last months. At times we would speculate about the possibilities if we would have discovered the disease sooner perhaps we would have had more time to heal the body. But these thoughts were illusions because without having the experience and extent of her illness she would not have had the chance to look deeply within. To discover the secrets of the universe.  It was all how it was supposed to be, each and every step along the way were pointers to the right direction. Each step each phase we had to take, just like Jax wished getting the full personal experience, no shortcuts. No matter what the outcome was, no expectations , just trust was the key. We felt we were being carried by the cosmos. Like a loving mother cares for her children. Everything has to be as it supposed to be. Everything has a perfect order and is part of a bigger plan.

We often felt that over the years momentum was quickly exhilarating. When one issue was resolved the next one was already waiting in line to deal with. A full snowball effect had been put in motion. This process of cleaning  continues until all aspects of you psyche have been understood and dealt with. You understand, to grasp the mechanisms of the mind and emotions, this is an enormous task. Fortunate for Jackie, her well did dry up the last few months. The snowball came to the bottom of the hill and started to melt in the sun. Peace was the outcome, acceptance was her sunshine.

In a funny way Jackie’s morphine dependency worked like this but then lead to a state of coma. Like any drugs, the body and mind build tolerance to them so in order to feel the same as you felt before your next dose has to be increased. Until you reach complete saturation and become comatose or an organ collapses. The well also dries here but it is the well of life we end. She felt this happening to her a few months ago when she made her brave decision to stop using the morphine. This is very rare to accomplish with a healthy body but in her state the medical world would highly object. But as always her mind and will were so determent. She listened to her conscience and acted on it. She went through her cold turkey for two long weeks but managed to come out on the other end, knowing now, through her own experience, what morphine and dependency was all about. Obviously it was not her time yet to sink in a coma state.

Unfortunately after 4 weeks of mental clarity her pain became unbearable so she made the decision to start again. Knowing very well that this time it would be her final one way ticket.

Words fall short to express my deepest gratitude to her whole family: Marian with your heart of gold, Jackie’s sister Nikki and her partner Michael for their beautiful, rare, caring natures, her sister Anita for her spunk and lightness and Tessa for her ability to love and forgive. I am deeply sorry to you all if I have ever caused any misunderstanding over the years.

Her friends Nicky, Lisa, Michelle and Jackie thank you so much for being such great beings and friends to Jackie. The 3 musketeers Marti, Lyne and of course Estelle. Without the incredible massages of Estelle, Nicky Slijpen, Lisa and her sister Nikki her pain and suffering would have been unmanageable. These sessions were her saving grace, thank you so much for having been there for her. And all the other dear friends that made her journey so full and marvelous.

Dr. Raul Goldberg thank you so much for never taken the responsibility away from Jackie so she could grow and trust in her own strength and Grant Joseph for helping out on the last leg of the journey.  Frans, Bo and Brian for the veggies, Mark and Mirka of course, and Monika – thank you. The list could go on and on. The whole community showed such deep care and support, so many people have been so generous.  Jackie felt such immense gratitude to you all.  I thank you all.

I know by Jackie’s decision to retreat  for the last 6 months many friends felt left out. Although not seeing or talking to her in person your love and thoughts were always there with us in our Cottage. Thoughts travel further then you can imagine. Thank you.

The universe provided with this disease a pathway that caused everyone to come together which meant so much to Jackie.  Harmony had always been so important to her. When she came into her strength she started to direct as a conductor her environment how and what was needed. She told me that is was a difficult job to be a director. I whispered she was doing a fabulous job since there were 7 people running around and all were so happy doing the tasks, that surely must make you a great master.

Her last 6 days at her Mom’s was a time for Jackie to bring everything together. Completely conscious to the very last moment she brought all the loose ends together and connected them. For every person involved it was a final time to see the magic in action.

I do not think that there could have been any other way for Jackie. Her journey was, as we both felt, completely how it was supposed to be. We tried countless times to manipulate the process when we felt on top, or out, of things but always got instantly reprimanded and told to back off and let the cosmos do its work.

Her freedom found expression in so many countless ways and forms. Food was on top. Her guilt free indulgence of Italian straggiatella ice-cream was truly inspirational. Her motto became: “cherish every bite as if it were your last”. Whole recipes were created in her mind, and I would happily manifest these visions. And as always they were brilliant creations. From simple egg and soldiers to wheat free pizzas and pastas, fruit juices and smoothies to coconut Thai curries.

Her wish was to indulge here together today, sharing and eating your favoured dish among friends on the ground in nature.  For her that was pure joy. Guilt free, enjoying each and every mouthful to its fullest. Thank you all for coming today to share her vision.

Thank you Jackie for being such a marvelous being. You are always in my heart.

Our beautiful Jackie passed away on Friday morning, 2nd October. We will be celebrating her life on Friday 9th October at 3pm in Strawberry Lane, Constantia (follow the hearts down the lane). Jax requested for everyone to have a picnic together & bring their favourite meal to share. Please bring a blanket & all necessary picnic goodies.

Afterwards come & join us at The Range, Orpen Road, Tokai (http://tinyurl.com/yc3hvyf) to dance in celebration from 7pm. See map.

Music By:

Lo Rez (Tango Electronico) – http://tinyurl.com/ydv5uhf
Indidginus (Groovy Electronica/Psytrance) – http://tinyurl.com/y9pfexg

Psytrance DJs:

Connecto
Gandalf

Please help us spread the word. All are welcome.

For more info:
Marian Rixon (082 552 5899)/Nicki Slijpen (083 638 0199).

Love & light,

Jackie.

Jackie’s journey has been a beautiful presentation of how this law of nature operates. She has followed her own unique route and has come to understand how the laws of the universe work through her own experience. I have seen her evolve over the last 5 years, moving through immense struggle and finally coming to terms, like a flower blossoms.

Breaking free from the claws of the dual state of mind and embracing the eternal, changeless, acceptant state of non-duality is what all religions, faiths or spiritual belief structures write or talk about. Some have fleeting glimpses of it, only few can call it their home. Jackie has broken her Karmic chain of cause and effect through accepting what is and detaching herself of wanting and needing. She is one of those unique beings who have crossed consciously over to the realm of immortality.

Shraddha, the name I gave her when we met, means faith. Jackie has embedded through years of sadhana that faith in her being. The faith in the ever unfolding support and guidance of the universe. There is no struggle any longer, only the eternal ever present moment of eternity.

All Blessings to this great being,

Love Viktor.

A couple of weeks ago I was fit & feeling strong. We went in to Dr Goldberg’s practice to get the results of my cancer marker tests. Initially we didn’t want to have the tests done for fear of setting me back emotionally & motivationally if the results were not good. But we chose to do the tests since Viktor & I wanted to go to Mozambique in July & we needed to know if I was fit to travel. When Dr Goldberg gave us the first set of results we were elated – they showed my iron levels to have returned to normal. Viktor & I danced for joy. We stopped dancing after the next set of results were given to us. The cancer markers had gone up from 6000 to 9000. It also seemed that the cancer had moved to my liver.

That night I had a lot of physical pain. Viktor & I spent the night practicing asanas to give me some relief. I went into my pain & loved myself within it. Over the next week my body became more & more frail. By the weekend I had started on pain killers. I had resisted these for so long as I didn’t want to put toxins in my body. The pain killers worked the first time that I took them, but they became less effective & the pain would still come through which scared me. I experienced nausea, vomiting & blood from my stomach. Then something shifted in me. I let go. I surrendered to what is. I started feeling bliss. It no longer mattered if I lived or died, & this letting go of control eased my mind, my spirit & my body. I felt trust in the divine – so much bigger than me – & I stopped treading water.

I experienced intense pain again when I heard my daughter Tessa crying on the phone from England where she was sending off her grandmother’s ashes. She was unsure whether to cut her trip short & return. I was also unsure. That day I had so much pain. I felt like I was dying, & I decided that it was necessary for Tessa to come home. I was scared to face her as it was easier hearing that she was happy in the UK. I didn’t want her to see me in pain.

So she came home, & came to see me in our cottage on the hill in Scarborough. I was in bed & she got in beside me. We held each other & cried. She sobbed in my arms & I loved her. It’s so hard for a mother to see one’s child in so much pain. My Mom stood in the doorway, her pain visible, as she watched me in pain, holding my child in pain. Each mother knowing that there wasn’t anything the other could do to alleviate the pain. All we could do was love & support each other.

Saturday would see in my 40th birthday, & I had decided that I wanted an Italian lunch with my family. Viktor would cook the meal so it would meet my dietary requirements & be healthy & tasty for everyone. I had already created the meal in my head. We drove to Giovanni’s in Greenpoint to buy buffalo mozzarella & fresh parmesan, & to various health food shops to get organic ingredients. On the day of my birthday, we made a sauce out of organic tomatoes, red onions, garlic, red peppers, carrots & celery which was slow cooked, with olives, basil & origanum being added at the end of the process. The pasta was made from rice & millet. I sat outside opening gifts with my family & smelling the aromas from the kitchen wafting out of the door. I felt so happy to be with Tessa. In the past we had not accepted each other & had fought often. I felt as though I was being pulled between two worlds – my family on one side, & Viktor/my spiritual practice on the other. Today my family was in our cottage & we shared a wonderful meal together in harmony.

We came inside to see the carpet laden with colourful foods – spices, foccacio, olive oil, pasta & sauce, salad, & cheeses. I was so excited by the visual manifestation of my creative mind. Finally I had let go of the judge, the inner critic, telling me what I should or shouldn’t eat in order to heal. Finally I had let go of control & let the universe take on some of the responsibility.

As I ate my first few mouthfuls I was in Heaven. I savoured the tastes of my favourite dish & closed my eyes in pure ecstasy. I managed to eat a small bowl of food & was delighted. After lunch we walked together on the beach. When we came back to the cottage I lay down to rest. My family ate chocolate cake & drank tea together.

I am now taking morphine tablets to alleviate my pain. I started on 2 a day, but am now only taking 1 a day (although this is open to change!). I can feel great discomfort & these slow-release tablets relieve this & help me to feel at ease. My friend Nicki massaged me for hours as I relaxed in my bed – my sister Nikki & Nicki Slijpen give me full body massages on alternate days. My Mom is incredible – she has been on her own difficult journey having just had surgery for breast cancer & starting radium therapy shortly. She is so accepting. She told Viktor & I that she supports my choices & only wanted peace for me. If it meant that I decided to go to a cave to die on my own & I asked my family to leave me alone, she would accept this & honour my wish. She is so unselfish, truly wanting what makes me happy & peaceful. There are very few beings out there that are able to give such unconditional love & non-judgmental support. I feel blessed & understood.

Now I sit with my swollen belly, tight & protruding, like I’m ready to give birth. I’m very thin. I experience discomfort at times, but less pain now. I have stopped the drip, & I drink freshly juiced apple, pear & pineapple which Viktor lovingly makes for me. I love being in our cottage – filled with colour, beautiful flowers, soft candle light, warmth & love. Viktor sits & paints while I write this. At night, if I get up & can’t sleep, we drink juice, have a hot bath with candles, practice walking meditation & perform asanas. I’m still strong in the trikanasana position!

My family come to visit & I enjoy the time I have left with them. I love them deeply. I have finally found freedom – becoming assertive & clear in voicing what I want even if it doesn’t suit someone else. I have finally dropped being the pleaser, the defender, the justifier. I now move with grace & am free to be me. Some days I want to be alone. Some days I only want to be with Tessa. Some days I only want a massage. There is always going to be someone disappointed, but I’m clear & I’m coming from my truth. Things are understood quickly. I don’t crave to live, & I don’t crave to die. I feel that I’ve reached a state of grace. It’s now out of my hands. I don’t know when I will die. I enjoy each moment that I have left. I’m living fully. I enjoy being cooked for, massaged, being loved. I’m glad to have no responsibilities – I’ve handed over the rental of my home, my banking affairs, paperwork & all other practical concerns to my family to take care of for me. We all will die some day, but I feel so grateful to have a clear mind, joyful heart & free spirit.