Jackie Rixon's Fundraising Blog

Here again I sit in my favourite rocker. It’s after 9pm & I really want to write one final piece since I’m in such a different space than I was before. Time has flown by & so much has changed in such a short time. I never expected to get to where I’m at so quickly – peace…. It seemed that I had so much work to do, but my fast decline in my body has brought me closer to clarity, to a balanced mind.

A couple of weeks ago I was fit & feeling strong. We went in to Dr Goldberg’s practice to get the results of my cancer marker tests. Initially we didn’t want to have the tests done for fear of setting me back emotionally & motivationally if the results were not good. But we chose to do the tests since Viktor & I wanted to go to Mozambique in July & we needed to know if I was fit to travel. When Dr Goldberg gave us the first set of results we were elated – they showed my iron levels to have returned to normal. Viktor & I danced for joy. We stopped dancing after the next set of results were given to us. The cancer markers had gone up from 6000 to 9000. It also seemed that the cancer had moved to my liver.

That night I had a lot of physical pain. Viktor & I spent the night practicing asanas to give me some relief. I went into my pain & loved myself within it. Over the next week my body became more & more frail. By the weekend I had started on pain killers. I had resisted these for so long as I didn’t want to put toxins in my body. The pain killers worked the first time that I took them, but they became less effective & the pain would still come through which scared me. I experienced nausea, vomiting & blood from my stomach. Then something shifted in me. I let go. I surrendered to what is. I started feeling bliss. It no longer mattered if I lived or died, & this letting go of control eased my mind, my spirit & my body. I felt trust in the divine – so much bigger than me – & I stopped treading water.

I experienced intense pain again when I heard my daughter Tessa crying on the phone from England where she was sending off her grandmother’s ashes. She was unsure whether to cut her trip short & return. I was also unsure. That day I had so much pain. I felt like I was dying, & I decided that it was necessary for Tessa to come home. I was scared to face her as it was easier hearing that she was happy in the UK. I didn’t want her to see me in pain.

So she came home, & came to see me in our cottage on the hill in Scarborough. I was in bed & she got in beside me. We held each other & cried. She sobbed in my arms & I loved her. It’s so hard for a mother to see one’s child in so much pain. My Mom stood in the doorway, her pain visible, as she watched me in pain, holding my child in pain. Each mother knowing that there wasn’t anything the other could do to alleviate the pain. All we could do was love & support each other.

Saturday would see in my 40th birthday, & I had decided that I wanted an Italian lunch with my family. Viktor would cook the meal so it would meet my dietary requirements & be healthy & tasty for everyone. I had already created the meal in my head. We drove to Giovanni’s in Greenpoint to buy buffalo mozzarella & fresh parmesan, & to various health food shops to get organic ingredients. On the day of my birthday, we made a sauce out of organic tomatoes, red onions, garlic, red peppers, carrots & celery which was slow cooked, with olives, basil & origanum being added at the end of the process. The pasta was made from rice & millet. I sat outside opening gifts with my family & smelling the aromas from the kitchen wafting out of the door. I felt so happy to be with Tessa. In the past we had not accepted each other & had fought often. I felt as though I was being pulled between two worlds – my family on one side, & Viktor/my spiritual practice on the other. Today my family was in our cottage & we shared a wonderful meal together in harmony.

We came inside to see the carpet laden with colourful foods – spices, foccacio, olive oil, pasta & sauce, salad, & cheeses. I was so excited by the visual manifestation of my creative mind. Finally I had let go of the judge, the inner critic, telling me what I should or shouldn’t eat in order to heal. Finally I had let go of control & let the universe take on some of the responsibility.

As I ate my first few mouthfuls I was in Heaven. I savoured the tastes of my favourite dish & closed my eyes in pure ecstasy. I managed to eat a small bowl of food & was delighted. After lunch we walked together on the beach. When we came back to the cottage I lay down to rest. My family ate chocolate cake & drank tea together.

I am now taking morphine tablets to alleviate my pain. I started on 2 a day, but am now only taking 1 a day (although this is open to change!). I can feel great discomfort & these slow-release tablets relieve this & help me to feel at ease. My friend Nicki massaged me for hours as I relaxed in my bed – my sister Nikki & Nicki Slijpen give me full body massages on alternate days. My Mom is incredible – she has been on her own difficult journey having just had surgery for breast cancer & starting radium therapy shortly. She is so accepting. She told Viktor & I that she supports my choices & only wanted peace for me. If it meant that I decided to go to a cave to die on my own & I asked my family to leave me alone, she would accept this & honour my wish. She is so unselfish, truly wanting what makes me happy & peaceful. There are very few beings out there that are able to give such unconditional love & non-judgmental support. I feel blessed & understood.

Now I sit with my swollen belly, tight & protruding, like I’m ready to give birth. I’m very thin. I experience discomfort at times, but less pain now. I have stopped the drip, & I drink freshly juiced apple, pear & pineapple which Viktor lovingly makes for me. I love being in our cottage – filled with colour, beautiful flowers, soft candle light, warmth & love. Viktor sits & paints while I write this. At night, if I get up & can’t sleep, we drink juice, have a hot bath with candles, practice walking meditation & perform asanas. I’m still strong in the trikanasana position!

My family come to visit & I enjoy the time I have left with them. I love them deeply. I have finally found freedom – becoming assertive & clear in voicing what I want even if it doesn’t suit someone else. I have finally dropped being the pleaser, the defender, the justifier. I now move with grace & am free to be me. Some days I want to be alone. Some days I only want to be with Tessa. Some days I only want a massage. There is always going to be someone disappointed, but I’m clear & I’m coming from my truth. Things are understood quickly. I don’t crave to live, & I don’t crave to die. I feel that I’ve reached a state of grace. It’s now out of my hands. I don’t know when I will die. I enjoy each moment that I have left. I’m living fully. I enjoy being cooked for, massaged, being loved. I’m glad to have no responsibilities – I’ve handed over the rental of my home, my banking affairs, paperwork & all other practical concerns to my family to take care of for me. We all will die some day, but I feel so grateful to have a clear mind, joyful heart & free spirit.